If I Had Only Known
by Nadja Lee
Summary: After Scott's mingling with Apocalypse, Jean thinks about her husband and their time together.


If I had Only Known                               

By Nadja Lee 18/09/01

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: "X-men" and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Disclaimer: "If I Had Only Known" was sung by Reba and belong to her, the sung writers and her record company and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Set in the comic universe. After Scott's "death", his mingling with Apocalypse...

Universe: Set in the comic universe.

Romance: Jean/Scott

Summary: Jean on Scott and all she lost

Archiving: Want, ASK, take,  have.

Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is neh@post10.tele.dk.

Rating: PG

Sequel/series: None

Dedicated to Mie. I wish I could be there when you die but I can't. I'll always love you.

Also to Cullen who requested this piece. Hope you like. And thanks for the Beta and read through.

And toKhylea; don't mind what they say; what do they know anyway? 

Denial Is A River In Egypt 

This is not happening. This is not happening. I'm dreaming, it is all just a bad dream. Wake up, Jean. Wake up in Scott's arms. Please, please let me wake up. Let it all be a bad dream. 

I bury my head in my pillow in the bed Scott and I share and force myself not to cry. This hasn't happened. 

Scott hadn't died 4 hours again. Scott hadn't just given his life for Nate and become one with Apocalypse. No, that had not happened. The others hadn't just asked me dozens of time if I was all right. I hadn't just heard Logan say they would all miss him. No, it hadn't happened. I won't let it have happened. It wasn't real. It couldn't be real because if it was…I've truly lost him. I'm truly alone. I've truly failed him. No, it couldn't be real. Scott couldn't be dead; Scott couldn't die. It just wasn't an option. He was the one who held it all together, who held me together. He couldn't be dead. He wasn't dead. He couldn't be. He couldn't be.

Reality Is A Bitch 

Tears start to fall freely from my eyes as I hold the pillow close to my heart. 

Damn him! Damn him. What did he think he was doing? Why hadn't he said something? Gods, I have lost him. I have truly lost him. No matter how hard I try to pretend he is still with me the emptiness in my mind, in my very soul makes it impossible to pretend for long. I have lost him.

Knowledge Only Hurts

Charles said he is completely gone but I would swear that I heard him after his mingling; his mind screaming out for me to help him. But had it only been wishful thinking? No, it hadn't. Had it? Did I want to believe so strongly that I had made it all up? Was I going crazy? What was happening here?

Was the truth that there was no chance or was there still hope? Could I even go on without hope?

Do my mind know a truth my heart won't acknowledge? Does it hurt too badly to know? Ignorance is bliss for if knowledge is to know you're gone, I wish I could pretend forever.

Regrets

All the years we wasted because you were too shy or too afraid to hurt me, all those years apart because of the Phoenix force, all those days were I made you cry…I'm so very sorry. No words can ever make things right again, I should have said this sooner; I'll always love you and only you, I will never leave you, Scott.

I have been so mean to you at times, pushing you away, flirting with Logan or Warren…I even flirted with Forge once. Through it all I expected you to wait for me, to always take me back, to pretend nothing had happened. You never said I hurt you but through our bond I know I did. Why did I hurt you when I didn't want to? I think it was because things were too good for me to believe they were true…so if there were no complications in our way I made them up. I don't know why I do that; I know I'm beautiful, I don't need others to tell me so. It wasn't just unfair to you to flirt but also especially to Logan when I know he loves me. 

I swear, beloved, come back to me and I will never, ever hurt you again. I will stand by your site as you have always stood by mine. I will never tease you or hurt you again. I will never go breaking your heart. Please, beloved, give me one more chance and return to me.

All The Powers In The Universe And All I Want Is You

I am Phoenix, one of the most powerful beings in the universe yet still I was helpless to save you. I can destroy worlds with a thought, I can bent others to my will should I wish it but I still couldn't save you. 

You never do anything without a plan, I'm the one who lives in dreams, you always keep your feet on the ground. You wouldn't do this without a plan. What was your plan? Had you needed my powers? Didn't I pay enough attention? Was it all my fault? Did I get you killed? Did I fail you in the worst possible way?

I relive your last moments in my mind over and over again and every time I think of things I should have done, which could have saved you. All the powers I have that I love so much, I would gladly give away if I was just allowed one more moment with you, just to tell you I love you and how sorry I am.    

Had I Only Known

Had I known last night would be our last I would have prevented the sun from raising, I would never have fought with you, I would have sought your embrace and not avoided it. You said your dream was of me and you having a family and living in peace. I wanted to fight for Xavier's dream and as always you did as I asked. You came back here…came back to die.

Had I only known I would have kissed you more, held you more, said 'I love you' more, I would have apologised quicker for my mistakes, I would have been there for you…had I only known.

Our walks by the beach, our walk in the rain, I save all those memories in my heart but had I only known I would have made those moments last forever. 

Had I only known…

Memories Are Such Sweet Torture

I'm a telepath; I can never forget. But Gods, right now I wish I could. Everywhere I see you, I smell you in the linen, I imagine you in every doorframe, around every corner. 

I remember your kisses, your arms around me, all we ever did, all our good times and all the bad. I wish I could forget the bad ones, I wish I could forget all the times I let you down but I can't. 

I memorise every thing you said, every word you spoke, every gesture you made, every tear which you couldn't let fall, I carry it all in my heart, in my mind. 

Now I know what pain is because to relive in your mind over and over again what can never be replayed is the greatest torture I can think of.

All the dreams we had, all the dreams you had…I wanted a family and I wanted to give you one, I wanted to give you a child but something always got in the way, the timing was always wrong. Had I just…. had I only…had I only known…

How Am I Supposed To Live Without You? 

How can I go on without him? I never realised how much he means to me; he is the other part of me, without him I am incomplete.

He once said to me that I was as necessary to him as the air he breathed; now I know it works both ways. I need him so much it hurts inside. I want him back so badly.

I long to hear his footsteps echo in the hallway, I long to have his arms around me, I long for his lips against mine.

He is the other part of me, the other part of my heart, my soul and my mind. I need him, I need him back.

So many nights I sat by the window and wondered, being lost in unpleasant memories and thoughts. He would take me into his warm embrace and all would be alright. He would chase away any dark thoughts I had; he lit up my life and brought me home. Without him I'm like a ship without it's captain, drifting aimlessly at sea.

I swear; today I lost my heart, today I lost my love and ten thousand angels were crying. I feel them still, I hear them still, their tears are forever frozen in my heart. 

He has always been there for me, always. He has always supported me and stood by me no matter what. I had never imagined I would lose him; I had always thought we would die in each other's arms and not like this. 

So many dreams, so many lost chances, so much we still had left to do, still had left to feel…How am I supposed to go on now; knowing what we had, what we could have had?

How do I live without him? How do I breathe without him? Tell me 'cause I have to know. How do I live without him; I do not know.

I can't imagine life without him and I won't even try.

Going On Means Going Back

I need to find Scott; I need to have a sense of knowledge, of assurance. Either he is to live by my side or die in my arms but this not knowing is killing me.

I can't move forth before I have closed my past. I'm not even sure if I want to move on without him. I need to find him, I need to be sure. 

I heard his voice in my head, I am sure of it. It may have been my imagination but I don't care, I need that hope or I'll fade away. 

Hold on, beloved, I shall come for you. No matter what it takes I swear; I WILL find you.

Together with your son we shall search the world, the skies and the ocean until we find you. Rest easy, beloved, because I shall not rest until I have you back in my arms, one way or another…

I need you…please come back to me.

Please, let me be able to tell you all I would have done…had I only known.

  
If I had only known  
  
If I had only known  
It was the last walk in the rain  
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm  
I would hold your hand  
Like a lifeline to my heart  
Underneath the thunder we'd be warm  
If I had only known  
It was our last walk in the rain  
  
If I had only known  
I'd never hear your voice again  
I'd memorize each thing you ever said  
And on those lonely nights  
I could think of them once more  
Keep your words alive inside my head  
If I had only know  
I'd never hear your voice again  
  
You were the treasure in my hand  
You were the one who always stood beside me  
So unaware I foolishly believed  
That you would always be there  
But then there came a day  
And I turned my head and you slipped away  
  
If I had only known  
It was my last night by your side  
I'd pray a miracle would stop the dawn  
And when you'd smile at me  
I would look into your eyes  
And make sure you knew my love  
For you goes on and on  
If I had only known  
If I had only known  
The love I would've shown  
If I had only known  
  
If I had only known  
  
  


The End


End file.
